Dave Baird

Do you have this in grey?

Now this might surprise you, but I’m not really that into fashion. Clothes have never really been my thing. Not in a hiding-in-the-bushes-probably-on-a-register kind of way, I mean I wear clothes, it’s just not that a big deal for me. But, as it’s already been a whole year since this time last year, I’m off out tomorrow to Vox 2012 (the annual voiceover industry get together/awards jobber/piss up) and Goddamnit I want a new shirt!

So, I go shopping. Now, the choice of gentlemen’s outfitters in Rotherham isn’t quite what it used to be, but all the usual suspects are still here. And I’m perfectly used to the fact that Women’s departments are always larger than Men’s; clothes shops have always been like that. But by Jiminy Cricket, it never used to be this bad!

In River Island the already small Men’s department has now been merged with “Kids” and “Accessories” to form a kind of bijou hell. In Next the Men’s area is tucked away in a broom cupboard out back next to “Home wares” and when I got to TK Maxx I found nothing but 2 pairs of socks and some Y-fronts in a Portaloo out in the car park.

An entire shopping centre and the full range of Men’s clothing from every shop could easily be squeezed in to the rotisserie chicken counter at Morrisons. Disgraceful! Worse still, not only do they have scantly more than bugger all, but what they do have is all crap!

If you want smart it’s a polyester suit and tie with a fabulous range of greys to choose from. If you want casual it’s skinny jeans and “scruffy looking” T-shirts. You know the ones, those T-shirts where you have to pay 30 odd quid for something that’s been designed to look like it cost a fiver. “Punk” clothing. Only punk was all about being cheap and original; this crap is unbelievably expensive and thousands of other poor sods are wearing exactly the same thing.

What makes it all a million times worse, of course, is that when you leave these places in abject disgust and fury you have to walk out through the Women’s department. It’s like finding a golden ticket for Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory only to be diagnosed as diabetic on the day of the tour.  For women…all the colours of the rainbow, a myriad of styles, textures and fabrics.  Anything you can think of, they’ve got it. And if they haven’t, go back next week and they’ll have some more in.  Whereas, it seems, the Oompa Loompa’s who work upstairs in the Men’s have all been hitting the Crystal Meth.  ”Oompa, Loompa, doopady dee, let’s design some…oh fuck it”

So, in the end I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way I’ll ever look good is if I lose some weight and shave my face. I still won’t be able to buy the clothes I want to wear…but at least I’ll be able to fit into my girlfriends!

Finally my voiceover showreels have their very own, proper home on the web. You’ll find them all on the Voiceover Showreels page and they’ll be updated every time I make a new one…which will hopefully be quite soon!

In the meantime, why not follow the words of those true radio legends Smashie and Nicey, and just sit back, put up your feet, grab your pipe, pop some shag in it, light it and puff away to the great tasting sound of Dave Baird’s commercial showreel!

Alongside my comedy videos I’m also going to be posting some of my Radio Comedy stuff from over the years.  From Radio sketch shows to podcasts and anything else that involves funny sounds without any pictures you’ll find it on the My Radio Comedy page.  And anything I do in the future will end up there too, so watch this space.  For now though, here’s a sketch I wrote and performed for a BBC Radio Scotland show produced by The Comedy Unit.  Kept the SFX man busy that day I can tell you!

So, now the new web site’s up and running I thought I’d get my old mate Bryn to help me test the new video section. You’ll have to excuse his language mind!